Well, after a long time social media pause, I have decided to try blogging again. I want to have a way to look back on each month to review what happened and what I have learned. We'll see where it goes from here.
January is a time of reflecting on the past year, and I have spent some time on this. 2019 did not turn out how I expected, but it turned out even better. As a quick recap, I received a very strong impression that God had a different direction, a better direction, for me to go in my life. I was constantly led to the idea of fostering-to-adopt a child, which was a very unexpected idea. My health has been quite a challenge ever since I injured my neck in September of 2018, and I didn't feel at all ready to have another child. But after much prayer and research and counselling with my dear Seth, we felt that this was a message from God. He was allowing these health challenges which make it unwise for me to have a baby biologically right now, so that our minds and hearts would be more willing to love and care for a child that is already on earth and waiting for our family.
This was a drastic mindset shift for me, as I was fully gung-ho about starting my own business and podcast, and perhaps even a YouTube Channel, which would help us reach our debt-free financial goal faster, and give me an outlet for all my talents and passions and ambitions. I had even recruited a large bunch of people in our ward at church to participate in the "How to Start Your Own Business Class," because we were the Self Reliance Facilitators in our Ward. I thought that would be the perfect time for me to begin.
We started the process of finding a Foster/Adoption Agency, filling out mountains of paperwork, doing hours and hours of training, and starting to seriously crack down on the clutter in our house to make space for a newcomer, and free up mental and emotional space by letting go of a LOT of stuff in our life.
And as we began that journey, I could see I needed to let go of all the non-essential. I was able to see more and more clearly that we were just fine in our finances, and that we were continually moving forward in our financial goals, and Seth amply provides for us without a second income. I was doing my part by carefully managing the finances we do have, and striving to be frugal and industrious.
I recognized that my little ones will only be little for a few short years. I don't want to miss it because I was blinded by my own ambitions. I could now see that I didn't need to have 100,000 followers on any platform to make a difference for good in the world. The most important followers I have are the 2 little boys that I already have in my home, whose little worlds I get to shape and mold. And I don't want to miss that, even for the world. My husband is my biggest fan, my greatest supporter, and I want to reciprocate that. I am not saying that this path, that I now want, is the right path for everyone. But it is the one for me, right now.
I think God knew that the only I could be brave enough to jump off my "Own Business and Ambitions" Train, was if I could see a more important train nearby, so He gave me this one, and I jumped. The "Set my life priorities in order so we can foster to adopt a child" Train is the one I want to be on right now.
I started giving away trunk loads of stuff almost weekly. Stuff that I planned to repair and make into something new, to upscale and renew and breathe new life into. But finally and thankfully I realized that I need to filter. I can't do that for all the things in my lifetime, only for a select few. So I let them go. I decided not to continue waiting until I "had time" to sell all those things that still had value in the eyes of the world, and I just started giving them away, remembering that God has always provided for our needs, and He will again, especially if we are generous with giving to others what we do not need.
I carefully dismantled my grow room that was set-up to grow enough microgreens for a restaurant, and scaled back just to my couple of shelves in my garden window. I let my giant back yard garden tend to itself, and it seemed to grow just fine without my help. I sorted through all the remnants of past endeavors that I started and never 'finished.' It was a very painful process which included quite a bit of shame and pain realizing how I was distracted from some of the most important things (people) in my life. But it was also full of God's grace, forgiveness and healing. Feelings of hope for change and improvement have also strengthened me through this process.
I let go of taking the business class, realizing that, when I am ready and it's the right time, I'll still be able to start my own business, if that's what I want to do. So, as I look back on 2019, I see my greatest accomplishment as letting go of what wasn't most important, and turning my will to the Lord's. His plans are better than mine, and I look forward to a year of change, stretching, and growth!
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