Adult Tantrums are About as Effective as Child Tantrums

It's true. Today, as I tried to change John's diaper while he yelled and bucked like a bronco, I thought, "This tantrum is making it much more difficult, and drawing out this necessary process. You really need a new diaper. Can't you understand that I'm trying to help you?"

Then my reflections turned to myself yesterday as I returned home from my doctor's appointment with the rhuematologist, dejected, downcast and frustrated. I had prepared so well! I spent quite a bit of time typing out my whole medical history so that the doctor could understand me. She asked me a million questions but didn't really listen to me. I had to repeat myself a number of times.

Had she any sympathy? It didn't seem like it... Compassion? No. She had an air of, "What's the big deal? I've seen much worse." She poked and prodded without a word to me of her thoughts or what she was going to do next, or doing now or why.

Then at the end of it she told me to increase my salt intake with an incomprehensible explanation of why, and then seemed as if she was about to leave.

I grilled her for answers. What is happening to me? Why do I feel this way? She said she had to look at everything, and didn't want to make any false conclusions. I understand that, but she could at least show some concern that I'm suffering every day, that she cares that I'm going to suffer for longer while she "looks at everything." She said that it's not rheumatoid arthritis, although she didn't explain why she thinks so. She said it could be lupus, but there's no conclusion yet.

Half the time she mumbled medical terminology at me without so much as an acknowledgement at the bewildered expression on my face. I have a master's degree in teaching English as a second language. I consider myself a fairly educated person. But she made me feel as if I knew and understood nothing, and that she wasn't bothered by that. She's the doctor. It's important for her to understand, not the patient, not the sufferer.

"Come back and see me in six weeks," she said. Six more weeks. 42 more days of feeling like this with no more answers than I had before I went to see this woman and paid her a lot of money. This are the thoughts that went through my head, and most of them through my mouth to Seth when I got home. (The saintly man. At least he listens to me, and cares how I feel, and admitted, "That sounds really frustrating.") I felt like giving up. What's the point of getting my hopes up as I wait weeks to see doctors that don't have any answers for me? 7 years of that have worn me out. I'm tired of it. Why pay thousands of hard earned dollars to people who don't care, and who don't have solutions, and who just want to mask symptoms instead of find and eradicate the root of the problem?

But now that it's the next day, and I've witnessed my son's tantrum this morning and can view my own reaction in a better light, I can see that I had my own little tantrum yesterday, and it got me as far as John's did with his diaper. It brought more frustration and difficulty than was necessary, and just made the process harder. It didn't solve my problem or make me feel any better.

Then I listened to this most recent talk by President Monson, our prophet. "Our Heavenly Father, who gives us so much to delight in, also knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive the trials through which we must pass. We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were—better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before. "

So I'd better remember that, and learn and grow stronger, and leave the tantrums by the wayside. What did I expect? For me to have one visit, and for the doctor to clearly say, "This is exactly what's ailing you, and this is exactly what you need to do, and you'll feel better in 2 weeks. You'll be able to walk around the block without collapsing when you get home, even run a mile! You're headaches, dizziness and pain will magically disappear! And all your pain will dissipate within the week. Congratulations!"

Well, perhaps in my childish mind...that's what I hoped for. But now I can see that's not very realistic, and although her bedside manner was deplorable, I was a bit too hard on this doctor who is not omniscient and who probably has a lot on her plate, and pains and struggles of her own.

President Monson's words comforted me today and gave me direction:

"This should be our purpose—to persevere and endure, yes, but also to become more spiritually refined as we make our way through sunshine and sorrow. Were it not for challenges to overcome and problems to solve, we would remain much as we are, with little or no progress toward our goal of eternal life. The poet expressed much the same thought in these words:

Good timber does not grow with ease,

The stronger wind, the stronger trees.

The further sky, the greater length.

The more the storm, the more the strength.

By sun and cold, by rain and snow,

In trees and men good timbers grow.⁸

Only the Master knows the depths of our trials, our pain, and our suffering. He alone offers us eternal peace in times of adversity. He alone touches our tortured souls with His comforting words:

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

“For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”⁹

Whether it is the best of times or the worst of times, He is with us. He has promised that this will never change.

My brothers and sisters, may we have a commitment to our Heavenly Father that does not ebb and flow with the years or the crises of our lives. We should not need to experience difficulties for us to remember Him, and we should not be driven to humility before giving Him our faith and trust.

May we ever strive to be close to our Heavenly Father. To do so, we must pray to Him and listen to Him every day. We truly need Him every hour, whether they be hours of sunshine or of rain. May His promise ever be our watchword: “I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.”^10"

MBA Application Process Update

I thought I'd put in a quick update on the MBA scene. We had put in 3 applications to
Fisher at The Ohio State University,
Foster at University of Washington,

Marriott at Brigham Young University.

Seth's got an interview and weekend preview of the program this weekend at Ohio State. 

And he also heard from Foster last week! They've reviewed his application and want to interview him. So we've bought his plane ticket to Seattle, and he'll go out there in a couple weeks.

Also, this past week, the Tippie school at University of Iowa sent Seth another message trying to recruit him, and although it wasn't in our top 3 list, it was pretty close. They have this "One and Done" event, where you go to the campus for the day, see the program, get interviewed, and they give you their decision within 24 hours. You don't have to write the essays either if they invite you to the event. Seth and I couldn't get it out of our mind and decided that he might as well register, and if they would pay for his hotel as well as his air fare, he would go. He heard back today, and they are going to pay for both! So he's going to go there in a few weeks! 

Wow this is one busy month. But what a blessing. All our hard work is paying off, and Seth has 3 interviews to prepare for, and I would be absolutely shocked if he didn't get at least one offer. We are so grateful, and we know the Lord is blessing us, and He will lead us where we need to go. If he gets into more than one, it will be a tough choice! Thank goodness for the gift of the Holy Ghost and personal revelation!

A Mother to All

Sometimes I wish I could be the mother of a thousand children. When I see or hear about children who are orphaned, or abused, or born to unwed teenage mothers, or homeless women, or parents addicted to drugs or alcohol or parents who don't want them, I want all of them! Well, first I want to help all their mothers have a better life, but if I can't do that, I want to adopt all those children and give them a safe, loving home where they would be valued and taught. Where they would learn to love the Savior and follow Him. Where they would have opportunities they would never dream of in their current life. It breaks my heart that I can't. I can't adopt them all. Although I might have the capacity to love them, I don't have the physical capacity.

Although this month, I've been seriously contemplating trying to adopt at least one. One that I could give a happy life to. I love my dear husband Seth for humoring me. He's always willing to listen, and open to the idea. What a man!  What a father. He's willing to provide for them, and love them too. Someday. Someday when I am feeling better and when we have the means to do it, we will bring at least one child into our home that wouldn't have gotten their naturally.

How I love children. John has opened my eyes to the wonderful blessing of being a mother, a protector and nurturer of these precious souls. I hope anyone reading this will go out of their way this week to be kind to a child, whether you're a parent or not, help them feel loved and valued. I know their Heavenly parents love them all. All of us are children of Heavenly parents.They love us. I wish everyone knew it. I hope you know it and that you'll treat God's children in the way He wants you to.

Here are some inspired messages about the importance of raising children:

Children - Neil L. Anderson
Protect the Children - Dallin H. Oaks
Children - Boyd K. Packer
Caring for the Souls of Children - Patricia P. Pinegar

But If Not...

Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not … . He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not. … He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, … we will trust in the Lord.

Our God will see that we receive justice and fairness, but if not. … He will make sure that we are loved and recognized, but if not. … We will receive a perfect companion and righteous and obedient children, but if not, … we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has. ²⁰

Men [and women] accomplish marvelous things by trusting in the Lord and keeping His commandments—by exercising faith even when they don’t know how the Lord is shaping them.
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2004/04/but-if-not?lang=eng

I'm trying to learn to have patience and faith through, despite and because of suffering. I know that is what the Lord is teaching me know through my experiences, and I am thankful that He knows better than I do.

Mortality’s supreme test is to face the “why” and then let it go, trusting humbly in the Lord’s promise that “all things must come to pass in their time” (D&C 64:32).

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2002/10/but-if-not?lang=eng

When through the deep waters I call thee to go,

The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o’erflow,

For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless, …

And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,

My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.

The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design …

Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine. …

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose

I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;

That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake, …

I’ll never, no never, no never forsake!

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/as-many-as-i-love-i-rebuke-and-chasten?lang=eng&query=i'm+the+gardener+here#watch=video

These talks sum up what I hope to become, someone who doesn't just have faith to be healed, but who has faith not to be healed. It is easy to say "yes, I will trust that the Lord has power to heal me and He will." It is more important to say, "but no matter what happens or when it happens, I trust in Him, that He loves me and that He knows what is best for me, and that He can help me get through this by His grace after all I can do."

It is, in essence, to do as the Savior did, in our own little way.

And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt. (Matthew 26:39) 

The Enabling Power of the Atonement and MBA Applications All Sent In!

This week, Seth and I sent in his 3 MBA applications to
Fisher at The Ohio State University,
Foster at University of Washington,
Marriott at Brigham Young University.

And I'm so proud of Seth. He got invited to the Season Premiere at OSU when he sent his resume in early. A weekend event where you get an overview of the program, meet students, alumni, faculty, see the campus, and get interviewed by the admissions board! That's a very good sign that they like him! He's got a good chance!

It has been a grueling process, this whole applying to MBA school thing. Studying for the GMAT, taking it, researching schools, deciding on schools, prepping recommenders, writing and re-writing resume, getting transcripts, deciding on a major/emphasis, filling in the applications, writing, re-writing, re-writing, and editing essays. I helped a lot on the resume and essays, being one who likes to write and has a respect for language. But most of this has all been Seth's doing. I've been as concerned as he has been, if not more so, in my own particular way. We've really been a team through the whole process.

I have felt like
a coach,
a comforter,
a confidante,
a commiserater,
a counselor.

It has been difficult and we have not gotten along every minute of the whole process, but I'm happy to say that we have for most of those minutes, and the ones where we got a bit impatient, we swiftly apologized and made up.

We've both grown through this challenge, and we've learned to communicate better, to appreciate each other's strengths. Our marriage has been strengthened. We have helped each other, and been each others cheer-leaders. I've helped Seth with essays and resumes while he's helped me with bath time, shopping and housework. We've gotten in sync. I'm so thankful for a loving spouse, my best friend.

Through it all, I've been battling chronic exhaustion, pain and and serious health issues, but miraculously I've been able to do all that is most important, and more. (Although I need to cut out some of the "more"). I've been able to care for John, and work, and help Seth and manage my home and church responsibilities somehow, day by day, minute by minute.

Some days I look back and through all the pain and fatigue I look at what I've accomplished and I know I didn't and could never have done it on my own. I am learning more about the ENABLING POWER OF THE ATONEMENT (click on that link to learn more about it too). Christ did not only perform the Atonement to redeem us, but to enable us.

I know that the enabling power of Christ's atonement is making all this possible. I rely on Him just to get through each day, to help me put a smile on my face even when I'm hurting and tired. After working 8 hour shifts reading essay after essay, and my eyes are burning and head aching, through the Holy Ghost, I've had words come to my mind and flow through to my furiously flying fingers on a keyboard to honestly and eloquently represent Seth's many accomplishments and dependable character. I've seen this same power work through Seth. I've seen him become even better than he was, and it always surprises me because I think he's pretty wonderful  as it is! I know that Christ offers this blessing to each one of us.

How have you felt the enabling power of the atonement bless your life?

Rockin' Out in the Shopping Cart!

Today Seth had the day off. Yay for working for a bank! I was working though. It was kind of like a day off to work since Seth could help me with John all day, and I usually work and take care of John which is quite a juggling act. It was really nice. In 20 sec. interval breaks between grading each essay, I took everything out of my drawers, and put what I needed back in, in a very orderly fashion. Whew!

Seth and John had some wonderful Dada n' Me time! Seth made John laugh all morning (which made it a bit difficult to concentrate :) After a glorious 2 hour nap, John went with Dada to go apple picking at Eddy Fruit Farm.

How I wish I could have been with them! It was a gorgeous day! They got our favorites, blushing golden and sun crisps.

John LOVED holding the apples. He's a great helper!

Then they went to Costco. It was John's very first time in a shopping cart! Can you believe it! Seth always does the grocery shopping at night after John's in bed. (How blessed I am to have such a husband!) John had a ball. He loved/adored his muffin sample, got crumbs all over him.

He was pretty tired, so he spent some time lounging.

And he rocked out in the cart!

It was a good first experience.

Elder Ballard, an Apostle of God Shook My Son's Hand!

What a spiritual feast we have had these last 2 weeks! I am overwhelmed with desire to become better, that I'm tempted to do nothing. But I will not do nothing! I will do a little each day, a little better than I did yesterday. That's what God expects of us, and I have felt His love so strongly in these to weeks: His love for me, and His love for His children. Please check out General Conference! It is so inspiring and uplifting!

Working back from this weekend, Elder M. Russel Ballard, a living apostle, came to the Kirtland Stake Conference, our Stake Conference. What a back-breaking job the prophet and apostles have! Elder Ballard spoke 7 times in 2 days, had meetings all day each day, and directly after he finished our stake conference today, he (and his wife who accompanied him to everything, the saintly woman) was hopping on a plane to Missouri to speak at the Liberty Jail (where the Prophet Joseph Smith had been imprisoned). I'm tired just attending 2 of the events of the weekend! It is a testimony to me that these men in their 70's 80's and 90's do this every weekend all year long for the rest of their lives! They certainly wear out their lives in the service of the Lord. I'ts a witness to me that these men have the help and strength of the Lord to do what they do.

How I wish my hands would allow me to share every story and feeling from this stake conference. I can't. So I will just say that it was a miracle, and I want so very much to do the Lord's will. I want to listen to His Holy Spirit, to quickly heed promptings without delay.  I want to share the gospel with everyone I see, and to be a missionary every day. I want to be the best mother I can.

On Saturday night, there was a session of stake conference for the adults. Since John is still a baby, well... kind of, we brought him along. He was a docile little angle. Seth tried to rock him to sleep in the foyer, but he wanted to be part of the fun, which apparently constituted a 10:00 pm bed time.

Anyways, we were on the aisle which Elder Ballard walked past to leave. He shook Seth's and my hand, but what was more important to me was that he smiled at John and shook his hand. I want John to know like I know that this man is a chosen apostle of God. I know he's too little to remember or understand, but someday I will tell him. "That man shook your hand. He's a special witness of the Savior. Will you follow what he tells you is best to do? He's telling you what Jesus would tell you if He were here."

I thought of the Nephite mothers and fathers in The Book of Mormon. After Jesus heals all of their sick and afflicted, "he commanded that their little children should be brought. So they brought their little children and set them down upon the ground round about him, and Jesus stood in the midst; and the multitude gave way till they had all been brought unto him." Those parents must have been so very eager to bring their children close to the Savior. and he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them. And when he had done this he wept again; And he spake unto the multitude, and said unto them: Behold your little ones. And as they looked to behold they cast their eyes towards heaven, and they saw the heavens open, and they saw angels descending out of heaven as it were in the midst of fire; and they came down and encircled those little ones about, and they were encircled about with fire; and the angels did minister unto them." I wasn't there, but I am so glad that I can read about it, and I believe it with all my heart. I know that Christ loves all children, and I was reminded of that this weekend.

I hope I'll be able to write more about what I learned this weekend.  For now I will leave you with this thought that Elder Ballard said of women in a recent BYU address 

“None of us can afford to stand by and watch the purposes of God be diminished and pushed aside,” he said. “I invite particularly you sisters here and throughout the Church to seek the guidance of heaven in knowing what you can do to let your voice of faith and testimony be heard. …

Men and women are equal in God’s eyes and in the eyes of the Church, but equal does not mean that they are the same. Although responsibilities and divine gifts of men and women differ in their nature, they do not differ in their importance or influence.

“Men and women have different gifts, different strengths, different points of view and inclinations,” Elder Ballard said. “That is one of the fundamental reasons why we need each other. It takes a man and a woman to create a family, and it takes men and women to carry out the work of the Lord in the Church.”

John's 14 Months Old! 9-30-13

John is 14 months now, and it is such a fun age! Seriously, we are having so much fun with our little cherub.

John loves to ride around in his car. (1 year birthday present.) He likes us to push him around in it, and he honks the horn!

He loves bath time. Daddy always gives him his baths, and it's a good thing because John is a wiggler!

John is getting much more talkative (although he's not on camera because he's too distracted). Especially in the morning when I greet him and get him out of his crib he tells me all about his night, maybe his dreams. It all sounds very interesting. Someday soon, I'll know what they're about. John has been saying "Dada" for a while. When Seth comes home, John exclaims, "Dada!?" He just started saying "Mama" this month to my delight! When he sees my picture, or I hold him in front of the mirror, or when he's sad, he says, "Mama!" It is so wonderful!

He signs a lot now. leche-milk, mas-more (food), terminado-finished are the ones he does on his own without any cueing on our part. He understands so much too! I can see the comprehension on his face when I say something he knows. 

John's smile just gets bigger and bigger!

He's eating pretty well. He's not into the whole chewing thing completely, so we still have to puree or mash a lot of his food. He'll get it one of these days though. John is loving avocados, tomatoes, and beets.

He imitates us a lot more and watches our mouths closely when we talk. He loves to try to make animal noises. His most successful are "Quack, Quack!" and "Woof, woof!"

John absolutely loves nature. He loves to be outside and to touch everything!

He's started doing this thing when he's super excited. He scrunches up his shoulders and makes this crazy smile.

I'm so thankful he's a snuggler. I love to cuddle with him!

Highlights this month were taking family pictures at the Holden Arboretum, going on a week long vacation in Massachusetts as a family, my birthday, and John starting to walk.

And we just can't kiss him enough! He is so kissable!

John's started free standing! He can get himself up with minimal support, and lets go of things with both hands. It's hard to believe! He's so grown up!

 I have the best job. To be a mother to this angel!

He's still our little reader. His favorite books have flaps. He loves to lift them up and see what's underneath.

                                        I don't think I can really express how much we adore our little boy. After we put him to bed at night, we often look at pictures of him, and watch videos of him. We just can't get enough! He brings so much joy to us!

John's started to feed me at meal time. I'll put some food in his mouth, then he'll pick up a piece and offer it to me. He thinks it is so hilarious. He laughs so hard, he can't even keep his hand still enough to get it in my mouth! We have a lot of laughs together.

John's starting to love music! When I put the radio on, he always speeds over to hear what's playing. He particularly likes to dance to latino music (to Seth's horror). I don't particularly like the song that was playing, but, I had to tape John. He was trying to kick his leg and dance :)

And our little guy has started walking with his push toys! He is doing really great pulling himself up in a quick motion, and walking/pushing chairs and toys, and he's almost at the point where he can hold one of our hands and walk on his own. We are so proud!

Bert and Ernie are still in business.

On the move!

How we love you son!