Be BRAVE!

Once, my sister Claire posted this music video on my sister Hannah's facebook wall. I had never heard this song before, as all my family knows, I'm not very "in" with current music or current anything for that matter :) But since I watched this video, I think I've watched it/listened to this song 100 times, and I could listen to it 100 more. It always makes me want grin and to dance around the house, and I do! Everything about it just helps me to feel happy and strong, and like I can keep going! I love the asian guy's happy smile and his awesome long hair! Yes, Martha, it's true. I like his long hair :) He reminds me of my favorite yoga instructor, Rodney Yee  I could imagine my friend Katie Taylor, who is so spunky, and a great dancer, being part of this video. I love to see these people just dancing without caring that people around them are staring and thinking they're crazy. Inside, they want to dance too. This song is one that I would love to listen to really loud in the car with all my 4 sisters singing at the top of our lungs. I love the old ladies at the end that join in the dance. They can't do all the moves that the other dancers can, but they do what they can do. I feel like I could do it to. I could contribute what I have to give.

Sara Bareilles wrote and sings, "Brave," and I'm so grateful she shared. She says:

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I have a lot of words underneath my skin that needs some sunlight. One of my heros is Stephanie Nielson. She is a famous blogger. She and her husband were in a near fatal plane crash 5 years ago and 80% of her skin was burned, and she is an amazing demonstration that we can rise above our circumstances and find the joy in life despite pain and disappointments. Her book, Heaven is Here is heart wrenching yet inspiring. Her life is so different than it used to be, but she is a survivor. She is a fighter! I want to be a fighter like her.
Today she posted: Peace is always waiting for me after I despair.

In the quiet moments, inspiration and comfort always comes again.

Every time without fail.  Piece by piece, 

God puts me back together and I keep moving forward.

-Taken from my memoir, "Heaven is Here" pg. 302 She finds so much joy as a mother and a wife. She looks for the little things that bring happiness. She shares her love and testimony with everyone. Although she doesn't know me, I feel that I know her, and that she is a friend I can look up to, and follow her good example. She is candid and frank about the struggles she is going through. She says it is good therapy for her, and I think it would be good therapy for me too. It is a risk to share like she does, but I'm going to try it. I'll be brave.

I've been struggling. I've had a myriad of health problems for many years, and I've suffered deep sorrows. I thank God every day for Seth and for Baby John. It is a miracle that John is here, and I am so grateful. He brings joy to me every day. He started walking behind his push toy this week, and I am so proud. He falls, but he gets back up again, and I love that I can comfort him and encourage him.

But it hasn't all been butterflies and rainbows since John was born. He's 14 months old now, and I have still not completely healed from his delivery,and still struggle with pain. My wonderful doctor of 5 years, who knows me so well, and remembers every detail, who listens to me and cares what I think was trying to help me, but he had to leave his practice....he's gone now. I tried physical therapy...again... $100 a week, uncomfortable, stressful, awkward and unsuccessful. No point in paying that much for no results. I know some of the things I can do if I could just find the time and energy for a restful, relaxing hour a day to do the therapy on my own every day, and not walk or stand or lift too much, just take it easy and do yoga 3 interrupted times 20 min. a day... All you mothers out there can empathize that it is not easy to do. But right now, there is something else that is halting my ability to even function that I have to figure out first.

. I thought I was getting stronger though, then I got sick when we went on our big expedition vacation to visit all our family in Utah and Idaho. Actually Seth, John and I got sick...they got better, but I didn't. I got the worst sore throat since I got my tonsils removed when I had mono. I thought that when I got them removed, that wouldn't happen again. I lost my voice for a week. I could hardly function. I had fever and chills and headache, and exhaustion. But my doctor couldn't see me for 2 months, so I just dealt with it.

The lovely rash that I had when I was pregnant last year has come back twice this summer. Although not quite as sever or unbearable this time, it was not fun. Who knows why it came back? Not me... Do I want to pay $1500 to only possibly find out? No. I'm losing weight again. Sometimes people say, "Man, I wish I had that problem!" But no, they really don't. We all just want to be a normal weight, a nice healthy weight that makes it possible for us to do what we want to do. I hoped it was just nursing, but it's not. Maybe it was my new diet or whole foods, fruit and vegetables...maybe I wasn't getting enough calories although my digestion had improved. So animal products back in. It hasn't helped, only worsened my digestion. I feel like I have no padding. It hurts to bump into things. My bones hurt. My hands, knees, shoulders and hips hurt. Why? I don't know.I feel frail. Fragile. I hate those words, but that's how I feel. I feel like I'm wasting away no matter what I do. It's hard to even carry my 1 year old around, I feel so weak.

I almost always have a headache. I can't come up from standing forward bend without feeling dizzy and my vision cutting out for 5 seconds. I feel exhausted again. Exhaustion is ok at the end of a long 14 hour day, and you just want to fall into your bed for 12 hours. But it is not ok to feel like that all the time. I do. I have for 4 months. People often say that I look fine. It's easy in public to cover my pain and exhaustion with a smile, but deep down I'm hurting and I'm tired. I thought it was mono again. I got tested, but it was negative. My thyroid disease is under control.

But they found something else.

Something called anti-nuclear antibodies in my blood. Whatever those are. I didn't understand. My doctor said there's 5% of the population who have positive tests that don't have any disorder. Then she told me very reluctantly that this means I could have a connective tissue disorder, or an auto-immune disease, rheumatoid arthritis or lupus.

I read about these, and it would make sense. I have all those symptoms. Is this it? It this what is attacking me? Is my own immune system attacking me? Has it just dealt with too much, so this is what it's doing to cope? Maybe. That scares me, but it also gives me a little hope. Will I finally get some answers? Solutions? Help? I'll be seeing a rheumatologist soon. We'll see.

In a moment of despair and frustration this week I told Seth I was ashamed of myself. I felt ungrateful. I felt envious of those people who are so strong and healthy. People who could do so much if they wanted to. I want to run marathons, climb mountains, ride a bike, jump on a trampoline, dance without exhausting myself, have lots and lots of children and be an active, fun-loving, adventurous mother, live with my husband until we're 90, have great-grandchildren, serve 3 missions for our church, make a difference in the world. Why did God put so much drive, and fire, and spirit, and determination into such a frail, sick body? Why would He give me so much ambition if I'm just meant to suffer and waste away like this.

It was certainly a sad moment of weakness. But, just like Stephanie, I'm not going to sit back and let my problems happen to me. I'm going to happen to them! I am going to be a fighter, and I am going to win. I can be brave and fight these unseen enemies. Even if I have to fight them for the rest of my life, I can because I do have so much ambition, drive and determination. So maybe that's the reason; maybe God is teaching me that I can win despite all these challenges. And I know I can with His help.

And when I forget, maybe I'll listen to this song to help me be brave. I can choose to find happiness no matter what I face. That's what I'm here for, and that's how I can make a difference. I can be a happy wife, a happy mother. I have so much to be thankful for. I know that God listens to my prayers. He loves me and knows what is best for me, even though I don't.

When I think about it. There is not a single person that I don't know well that has not had to or will not have face their own serious and difficult challenges in their lives. I'm not alone. We're all in this together. So let's be brave.

So that's it. I've been honest and let the words fall out. That's how big my brave is, and it's gonna be a great day. I know it because I'm going to make it so.

Ok, here goes. Publish.