Had she any sympathy? It didn't seem like it... Compassion? No. She had an air of, "What's the big deal? I've seen much worse." She poked and prodded without a word to me of her thoughts or what she was going to do next, or doing now or why.
Then at the end of it she told me to increase my salt intake with an incomprehensible explanation of why, and then seemed as if she was about to leave.
I grilled her for answers. What is happening to me? Why do I feel this way? She said she had to look at everything, and didn't want to make any false conclusions. I understand that, but she could at least show some concern that I'm suffering every day, that she cares that I'm going to suffer for longer while she "looks at everything." She said that it's not rheumatoid arthritis, although she didn't explain why she thinks so. She said it could be lupus, but there's no conclusion yet.
Half the time she mumbled medical terminology at me without so much as an acknowledgement at the bewildered expression on my face. I have a master's degree in teaching English as a second language. I consider myself a fairly educated person. But she made me feel as if I knew and understood nothing, and that she wasn't bothered by that. She's the doctor. It's important for her to understand, not the patient, not the sufferer.
"Come back and see me in six weeks," she said. Six more weeks. 42 more days of feeling like this with no more answers than I had before I went to see this woman and paid her a lot of money. This are the thoughts that went through my head, and most of them through my mouth to Seth when I got home. (The saintly man. At least he listens to me, and cares how I feel, and admitted, "That sounds really frustrating.") I felt like giving up. What's the point of getting my hopes up as I wait weeks to see doctors that don't have any answers for me? 7 years of that have worn me out. I'm tired of it. Why pay thousands of hard earned dollars to people who don't care, and who don't have solutions, and who just want to mask symptoms instead of find and eradicate the root of the problem?
But now that it's the next day, and I've witnessed my son's tantrum this morning and can view my own reaction in a better light, I can see that I had my own little tantrum yesterday, and it got me as far as John's did with his diaper. It brought more frustration and difficulty than was necessary, and just made the process harder. It didn't solve my problem or make me feel any better.
Then I listened to this most recent talk by President Monson, our prophet. "Our Heavenly Father, who gives us so much to delight in, also knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive the trials through which we must pass. We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were—better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before. "
So I'd better remember that, and learn and grow stronger, and leave the tantrums by the wayside. What did I expect? For me to have one visit, and for the doctor to clearly say, "This is exactly what's ailing you, and this is exactly what you need to do, and you'll feel better in 2 weeks. You'll be able to walk around the block without collapsing when you get home, even run a mile! You're headaches, dizziness and pain will magically disappear! And all your pain will dissipate within the week. Congratulations!"
Well, perhaps in my childish mind...that's what I hoped for. But now I can see that's not very realistic, and although her bedside manner was deplorable, I was a bit too hard on this doctor who is not omniscient and who probably has a lot on her plate, and pains and struggles of her own.
President Monson's words comforted me today and gave me direction:
"This should be our purpose—to persevere and endure, yes, but also to become more spiritually refined as we make our way through sunshine and sorrow. Were it not for challenges to overcome and problems to solve, we would remain much as we are, with little or no progress toward our goal of eternal life. The poet expressed much the same thought in these words:
Good timber does not grow with ease,
The stronger wind, the stronger trees.
The further sky, the greater length.
The more the storm, the more the strength.
By sun and cold, by rain and snow,
In trees and men good timbers grow.8
Only the Master knows the depths of our trials, our pain, and our suffering. He alone offers us eternal peace in times of adversity. He alone touches our tortured souls with His comforting words:
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
“For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”9
Whether it is the best of times or the worst of times, He is with us. He has promised that this will never change.
My brothers and sisters, may we have a commitment to our Heavenly Father that does not ebb and flow with the years or the crises of our lives. We should not need to experience difficulties for us to remember Him, and we should not be driven to humility before giving Him our faith and trust.
May we ever strive to be close to our Heavenly Father. To do so, we must pray to Him and listen to Him every day. We truly need Him every hour, whether they be hours of sunshine or of rain. May His promise ever be our watchword: “I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.”10"
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