This morning I had plans for my scripture study, but I as opened my scriptures a page caught my eye, and I though I would peruse it before I pursued my planned course. But God knows better what I needed today. He led me to Psalms 34
18 The Lord is nigh unto them
that are of a broken heart; and asaveth such as be bof a contrite spirit.
22 The Lord redeemeth the soul of his
servants: and none of them that atrust in him shall be desolate.
This has been a week of deep learning, as I have been facing the painful process of healing. Yes. It is very painful. It is easier to just let it be, to just take the familiar discomfort instead of delving into my fears and unresolved sorrows. But delve I will. I will uncover those thoughts that hurt me that I might see them for what they are, and that I might let them go, so that I might be set free.
Yesterday, I told my counselor, Linda, about Seth and my history together, of the trials we have passed through together, what we have been through in the last 8 years. It was a heavy task and a very long story full of much grief and sorrow and pain. As I spoke, my love for Seth grew. As I recounted how, although even though we had been married only 3 months, Seth cared for me night and day while I was bed ridden, when I couldn't walk or even hold a glass of water, when I was pregnant and sick with mono and tonsillitis. He fed me, bathed me, literally carried me. And the story went on; surgery after surgery, illness after illness, pregnancy after pregnancy, disappointment after disappointment, pain after pain. Yet Seth remained fiercely faithful; he stayed by my side; he was patient with me; he gave me unconditional love. I never could have known to what lengths Seth would go to care for me without such experiences. Perhaps he could not have loved me as much without needing to help me so much. Perhaps my love and admiration could not have grown to what it is without those trials. My therapist listened compassionately, and then replied in awe, "Emily, I don't know of many marriages that could have weathered the storms that you two have passed through so young, so early in your life. And you have come out on top, you have grown, you have learned so much." She is right. I know we have been greatly blessed to have been so strengthened.
I know that 'God is in the delivering business,' as my friend Nadine would say. But sometimes he delivers us out of our afflictions by strengthening our backs and shoulders to bear the burdens placed upon us to help us to grow. I am thankful that He loves us enough to do that. I think of this as I go to therapy, and as I walk through the pool with weights on my ankles. I started with 1.5 lb weights, and I could barely walk out of the pool when I was finished. Now I am on the 2.5 weights, and I walk out of the pool as quickly as I walked into it. I'm getting stronger and faster, and I am grateful the weights are there to help strengthen me.
"Were it not for challenges to overcome and problems to solve, we would remain much as we are, with little or no progress toward our goal of eternal life."
My physical therapists Andrew and Angie have said that I am so young to have experienced the afflictions that I have, and that many would have turned to drugs or alcohol, or would have just given up. But that I am stronger because I have turned to my faith, I am trusting in my God. Andrew said I wouldn't be as powerful or be able to do as much good in the world if I didn't have my faith to strengthen me. He is right. And I am so glad to know that now, to know that all this has not been for nothing, to know that I am better and stronger and wiser for it, to know that because of these opportunities my heart is broken in a good way, and my spirit in contrite so that God can make of me what He will. His way is always better and wiser than my own.
I was promised years ago that I would be guided to the people I needed to help me to heal. I felt that promise was not answered for a long time, but although not always swift, God's promises are always certain. (See "Where is the Pavilion," and "Continue in Patience"). I am so thankful for the Lord for His patience and love for me, and then especially for my sweet husband, Seth. I am grateful to my supportive parents, siblings, family and friends too numerous to name here. I am thankful for my loving Bishop, Luke Harmer. I am thankful for the 2 excellent doctors that have helped me so much, Dr. Mitchell Reider, and Dr. Vanessa Maier. I am thankful for my wonderful physical therapist, Andrew Eaton and Angie Holpuch. I am thankful for my insightful counselor Linda Johnson, and many others who have listened and taught me. I am thankful to be John's mother, he is the sweetest boy that ever lived (according to me). I am so blessed.
As I talked with Linda yesterday, I told her about a priesthood blessing (see James 5:14-15) that Seth administered to me during my first pregnancy when I was so sick with tonsillitis and mono that I could no longer eat. I had to get better fast or I would've had to have my tonsils surgically removed, which would require general anesthesia, which could put the baby in jeopardy. My family fasted and prayed for me. In the blessing, I was told that "All these things will help you to be a better mother; they will help you to love your children more than you could otherwise. Everything will be ok." At the time I thought that meant our baby would live. The next day, I was able to walk for the first time in months. We had our ultrasound, and there was no heart beat. At 13 weeks, our little baby was gone. We were crushed. I couldn't understand. Everything was not ok with me, and I wasn't a mother. Why would I be given that blessing. I felt the same way when we lost our second baby.Later on, after almost 5 years of praying and waiting and crying and hoping, I cried out to the Lord in agony, pleading with Him to help us to have a child, and I promised Him that I would do everything in my power to raise that child unto Him, that I would teach that child to serve Him and to love Him, just as Hannah in the Old Testament pleaded and promised. The Lord gave her a son, and then she gave her son Samuel back to the Lord.
And just as He blessed Hannah, he blessed me, not just with any son, but the most precious, sweet, happy, joyous little boy I have ever known. But perhaps John would not have been as precious to me had I not ached for him so badly. I know I am a better mother now than I could have been. Had I not passed through my own small Gethsemane crying out in anguish, perhaps I would not have realized as I do now that John is first Heavenly Father's before he is ours. I might not have appreciated, as much as I do, when John says, "Amen," or sometimes stops whatever he is doing, folds his hands and bows his head and asks that we pray and impromptu prayer. Perhaps I could not have appreciated how well John knows the Savior. He recognizes him in any pictures and calls out his name. I see his excitement in seeing a picture of the living prophet and apostles. Because of all these experiences, I cherish my role as a mother, and I see now that God has given me a great work to do. I love my son more than I ever could have if God had not had the wisdom to let me pass through these valleys.
He could see from the top of the mountain what I could not see. And now that I have a little higher view, I can see that God has been growing me and blessing me all along, and I would not rewrite my story. I will not let the past sorrows and hurts control me, but I will let the experiences I have had define me as a daughter of God. I will draw from the growth and the grace and move forward with grace. I am a happy woman. O ataste and see that the Lord is bgood: blessed is the man that trusteth in him.
"Our
Heavenly Father, who gives us so much to delight in,
also knows
that we learn and grow and become stronger
as
we face and survive the trials through which we must pass.
We know that there are times when we will
experience heartbreaking sorrow,
when we will grieve, and when we may be tested
to our limits.
However, such difficulties allow us to change
for the better,
to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly
Father teaches us,
and to
become something different from
what we were—
better
than we were,
more understanding
than we were,
more empathetic
than we were,
with stronger
testimonies than we had before."
This was very powerful, Emily. My heart aches that you've been through so much sorrow. I hope and pray for better days ahead, but I am so impressed at the way you've been able to rise above and become inspired through your afflictions. Keep up the great, healing work. You are fabulous!
ReplyDeleteThanks Anne for being one of those friends who has listened and supported me! I love you!
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