One of the things I am working on overcoming right now is self-criticism and deep feelings of inadequacy. Perhaps everyone has feelings like this throughout life. I find that many people, including myself, are willing to be compassionate with others, but not with themselves. I struggle with feeling like I haven't done enough, I'm not perfect enough, I don't help enough people, I can't do all the good things that I want to do. Sometimes I compare myself with others, or with myself and what I could do many years ago as a single adult But I'm learning that my Heavenly Father, and my Savior, Jesus Christ want me to not only be compassionate with others, but especially with myself. I listened to a beautiful talk many times this week by Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf called, "Forget Me Not."
"forget not to be patient with yourself.
I want to tell you something that I hope you will take in the right way: God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect.
Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not.
And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does.
Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.
It’s wonderful that you have strengths.
And it is part of your mortal experience that you do have weaknesses.
God wants to help us to eventually turn all of our weaknesses into strengths,1 but He knows that this is a long-term goal. He wants us to become perfect,2 and if we stay on the path of discipleship, one day we will. It’s OK that you’re not quite there yet. Keep working on it, but stop punishing yourself.
Many of you are endlessly compassionate and patient with the weaknesses of others. Please remember also to be compassionate and patient with yourself.
In the meantime, be thankful for all the small successes in your home, your family relationships, your education and livelihood, your Church participation and personal improvement. Like the forget-me-not [flowers], these successes may seem tiny to you and they may go unnoticed by others, but God notices them and they are not small to Him. If you consider success to be only the most perfect rose or dazzling orchid, you may miss some of life’s sweetest experiences.
Our journey toward perfection is long, but we can find wonder and delight in even the tiniest steps in that journey."
Being patient and compassionate with myself is perhaps that part of Christ's Golden Rule that I haven't really understood. He says,
"Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them:" (Matthew 7:12)
But I believe He also wants us to treat ourselves the way we would want others to treat us. That is the hardest for me to do. I am learning, when I am beating myself up for not being as good or as perfect as I think I should be, to pretend like I am in the role of a good friend, trying to encourage and comfort one of my loved ones. Surely I wouldn't go off the handle berating them for all their imperfections. I would encourage them to keep trying, and remind them of their good qualities and efforts, and that their heart is in the right place, and that is important. In like manner, I am trying to speak to myself.
I wanted to stand up and tell her and all the women in the room. "No! That is not right! You have not failed! You may fall at times. But "Our destiny is not determined by the number of times we stumble, but by the number of times we RISE UP, DUST OURSELVES OFF, and MOVE FORWARD." ("You Can Do It Now," Dieter F. Uchtdorf). You may not be the person you would like to and hope to become. You may not be able to do all you'd like to help, but you love us, and you do what you can for us, and that is all God expects of you. That is all He expects of any of us."
I wanted to tell her about this scripture story my counselor and friend, Linda, highlighted for me to help me be more compassionate with myself. It is about the woman that came to Jesus and anointed him and washed his feet with her tears. The people in the room began to berate her and criticize her, saying that she wasn't good enough, and that she could have done something better than this action she chose.
"And Jesus said, Let her alone; why trouble ye her? she hath wrought a good work on me." Mark 14:3-9 (emphasis added)
"She hath done what she could" Mark 14:8
"Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much" Luke 7:36-50
"And he said to the woman, Thy faith hath saved thee; go in peace." Luke 7:50
I love that Christ points out what is important to Him: "She hath done what she could" Mark 14:8 "for she loved much" Luke 7:47
Perhaps others may criticize us; we cannot control that, but we need to remember that it doesn't matter what they think of us. It matters what the Lord thinks of us, and what we think of ourselves. We cannot have peace when we are the ones in the room criticizing ourselves. Christ would tell us to leave ourselves alone. He knows we are not perfect. We sin. We all come short of the glory of God. But that is why He came! He loves us so much that He suffered all that we will ever suffer, and He suffered for our sins and shortcomings; He gave His life for us - because He loves us.
So let us all do Him and ourselves a favor and love ourselves. We must always continue to strive to become better, but let's stop beating ourselves up in the process. Let us be compassionate with others but also ourselves. We will have peace if we do what we can and love much.
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Here is a helpful tool that I am using to understand when my sorrow for my inadequacy is healthy or not.
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