We took Easter dinner (salmon, asparagus, cauliflower soup, and salad) over to "Grandma Myrtle's." We had a great time visiting with her. She is such an example of faith to me. Although she lives alone and is mostly homebound, she counts her blessings and reaches out to others. She remembers the Lord and seeks for His help. She says, "Just do your best, and let the Lord do the rest!"
Myrtle's house is full of temptation for our busy boy. She has a big glass coffee table covered in trinkets from all over the world which are mostly made of glass.... It's right at John's level and he was just aching to play with every one. :) So even though we had to chase John all over, we had a great time.We love you Myrtle!
I am so thankful to know that Christ is my Savior, that Because of Him I can live again after death, with my beloved husband and son, and all of my loved ones.
(I had hoped to take Easter pics of John after church, but we had so many spills and a diaper leak so that he actually ended up in a t-shirt and sweat pants by the end of church... We were thankful we at least had something to put on him! Nonetheless, this is what John kind of looked like for the first half of Easter :)
Our backyard has a tendency to turn into a small pond every spring. Today is a beautiful rainy day, and John went out with Stella to splash in some puddles (in his awesome boots that were perfectly his size at Goodwill in Chicago, and they're black! I was going to buy the pink ones that I thought were the only option (John wouldn't care!) but then those beautiful black size 5 boots showed up. What a blessing!). Our yard has certainly dried up a ton since a month ago. Watching John have a blast today reminded me of the first time this spring that was warm and the snow was melting.
This was a day that marked great progress in my motherhood journey. I let John splash in the puddles, soak through his only pair of shoes. Sit in the water and the mud, explore to his hearts content. And I had fun watching him! That is a big step for me. I haven't always done really well with dirt, and it is much more difficult to get John back inside when I have to take off all his clothes and shoes (while he's wrestling me and throwing a tantrum about having to go back inside). But it was very worth it that day.
We had lots of fun with our friends, Beth and Stella Winder, and Katie and Ezra Taylor. It was a day to remember.
Now, whenever possible, I encourage John to have fun and get dirty. Clothes and shoes don't really matter, but having lots of fun does.
Yes, I am a big Harry Potter fan. I have read all the books once, or twice... and listened to them all three times...or maybe four... (Jim Dale is the best narrator ever! Seth and I love to listen to his audio books while we're on road trips. Once, we drove all the way to Wyoming from Cleveland, and when we arrived, we stayed in the car to finish listening to book 7 of Harry P! It was that good.) With that intro, today I'm thinking about something Dumbledore said (well J.K. Rowling), "It
is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our
abilities." (Harry Potter and the
Chamber Of Secrets) Little Harry is confused because he has many of the same abilities as Voldemort (the really bad guy), and he wonders if he will be a bad guy too. Dumbledore's wisdom is so apt and needed. Truly, what we can do is not who we are. It is what we choose to do that shows who we are. I have often gotten caught up in defining myself by my abilities, or my accomplishments. And in times of trial and illness, when those abilities and accomplishments are taken away, I get lost, and wonder who I really am. But this is distorted thinking. I cannot control the circumstances of my life, and my worth is not determined by the things I can do. The important thing is what I choose to do. I can control that, moment by moment. And that is what will cause me to become who I will become. And now, I am a sum of my choices. So I will choose well. And when I mess up (which is inevitable), I'll rise up, dust myself off, and move forward in choosing the right.
I watched my first "TED Talk" How to Make Stress Your Friend (I know! It's amazing that I haven't watched any before now. But I'm ok with that). This was the video, and I am SO glad I watched it. She talks about her findings being "new research" and yes, perhaps this is the first academic research conducted in this way, but these studies just scientifically prove many of the concepts I've been taught my whole life. For example, our prophet, Thomas S. Monson just spoke again about how reaching out to others blesses not only them but especially us. "Love - The Essence of the Gospel"
But I had not thought of it before in connection to my stress response, so I am very thankful for that new perspective. I have also been taught through the gospel that the way we see the world and what happens to us will largely determine our happiness. For example, in The Book of Mormon, Nephi and his family went on a very difficult journey in the wilderness. They left their home and their possessions, following a commandment of God, in search of a promised land, the new world (before Jerusalem will be destroyed around 600BC). They were travelling in the wilderness 8 years. It was a long an hard journey. They went hungry, had family strife, had children in the wilderness, had no place to call home.
Nephi doesn't pretend that it was easy. He attests that, "we had suffered many aafflictions and much difficulty, yea, even so much that we cannot write them all,"
Yet, Nephi had an attitude of gratitude. He knew that stress/trials/afflictions were a part of life, our mortal journey, and he didn't see those experiences as the enemy, but as an opportunity to see the hand of God in his life, and to develop and progress. He says,"
"And we did travel andawadethrough much affliction in the wilderness; and ourbwomendid bear children in the wilderness. 2 And so great were theablessingsof the Lord upon us, that while we did live uponbrawcmeatin the wilderness, our women did give plenty of suck for their children, and were strong, yea, even like unto the men; and they began to bear their journeyings without murmurings. And thus we see that the commandments of God must be fulfilled.And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and astrengthenthem, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them; wherefore, he did bprovidemeans for us while we did sojourn in the wilderness.... [and] we were exceedingly rejoiced..."
(1 Nephi 17 Italics added)
Nephi chose to be Grateful in Any Circumstances But his older brothers, Laman and Lemuel, see their journey and all their trials as the worst ever. They saw everything with a mental filter of negativity which magnified all their sufferings. They say,
"20 And thou art like unto our father, led away by the foolishaimaginationsof his heart; yea, he hath led us out of the land of Jerusalem, and we have wandered in the wilderness for these many years; and our women have toiled, being big with child; and they have borne children in the wilderness and suffered all things, save it were death; and it would have been better that they had died before they came out of Jerusalem than to have suffered these afflictions.
21 Behold, these many years we have suffered in the wilderness, which time we might have enjoyed our possessions and the land of our inheritance; yea, and we might have been happy."
Who sounds like they were more happy? I'm going to pick Nephi. He took the same journey as his brothers, but yet because he saw his journey differently and remembered his purpose for taking his journey, he made the stress his friend. He let it help him grow. He saw it as a blessing. I want to be like him. I will try to be like him. I'm not perfect, but the cool thing is, neither was he! Yet he chose happiness, and so can I.
It's all about our perspective. Which glasses will you choose to see out of? I am going to choose the "Stress is My Friend" glasses.
Last week, John and I went to Turtle Park in Cleveland Heights with our friends Katie and Ezra Taylor. That was John's first time at a park (that I remember...) this Spring. He loved it!
The Taylor's are wonderful friends!
John loved the wagon ride and the sand box. He loved to throw the sand in the air and exclaim, "Ah Bo! Ah Bo" The wind blowing the sand in my eyes made it feel a little less cute than perhaps it was. It's amazing how sand can get into every crevices of a fully clothed little boy :)
I'm trying to muster the courage to face my fear of losing the ones that I love.... Ever since we lost our first baby, and then our second baby, I have struggled with this fear. I have been haunted with nightmares that bad things happen to the ones that I love, sometimes I am the one that does those bad things in my dreams. Thankfully I've learned recently that those dreams have nothing to do with who I am, or what I'm capable of. Those dreams are just my brain firing during restless sleep trying to process the stress and anxiety I am facing. Maybe it sounds silly to be afraid of those dreams, but they feel so real, and they represent my greatest fear.
Sometimes, when I say goodbye to Seth and John, when they go on an outing, I wonder, "Will this be the last time I see them in mortality?" My mind often plunges into a downward spiral, fortune telling nightmare of sorrow, and sadness. My loved ones - hurt. gone. lifeless. And me - alone. helpless. in despair. Other times, my mind goes into the same destructive imaginary future in which I am not there for my family. Something happens to me, and then my family has to carry on without me. I'm not there to help and comfort and love and cherish. They're alone. And then, what it they have to replace me? What if they do replace me? What if they forget me?
I know that it is not a good idea to think of these things. It's not logical. Fear is not logical unless it is really necessary to help you remove yourself from danger. But until recently, I didn't even truly understand that these thoughts were racing through my subconscious. My body's defense mechanism all these years has been to convert this emotional and mental pain into physical pain - to cover it up, to 'get my mind off of it.' It has worked. But now I know better what is happening to me.
It's a horrific paralyzing cycle of fear and pain and sorrow and grief and anxiety and stress. It goes on and on.It's not very enjoyable, to say the least. My excellent counselor is teaching me that when I allow my mind to go running down this painful road, my body is actually experiencing these hypothetical situations as if they were really happening to me. Why I am doing this to myself? Well, I've learned that
I am not my feelings.
I am not my fears.
I am not even my thoughts.
Just the fact that I have the ability to be conscious of those feelings, fears and thoughts, means that I am the soul that witnesses what is happening, and I have the power to stop them, to change them, to believe something better, happier, more hopeful.
Even though through my past experiences, I have been conditioned to react a certain way (like when I hear a story about a little child being injured or dying, a woman losing a baby, a father in a car accident, etc. I automatically imagine it happening to me, my family, my child, my husband), I can change that.
I am reminded of an excellent talk I heard recently by Donald L. Hallstrom in which he recounted a man who had let his life go to ruins. He said, "I have
a bad temper, and that’s just the way I am!”
That
statement stunned me that night and has haunted me ever since. Once this man
decided—once any of us conclude—“That’s just the way I am,” we give up our
ability to change. We might as well raise the white flag, put down our weapons,
concede the battle, and just surrender—any prospect of winning is lost. While
some of us may think that does not describe us, perhaps every one of us
demonstrates by at least one or two bad habits, “That’s just the way I am.”
Well,
we meet in this ...meeting because who we are is not who we can become.
We meet here tonight in the name ofJesus Christ. We meet with the confidence that
His Atonement gives every one of us—no matter our weaknesses, our frailties,
our addictions—the ability to change. We meet with the hope that our future, no
matter our history, can be better.
I will not choose to act like that man. I will not give up. I will not give in. I will not believe that "I am just a worrier, and anxious person." I will not label myself like that. That is not who I am. That is not who I choose to become. Yes, this anxiety has plagued me now for many years and is deeply ingrained. Perhaps it will take many more years to overcome it, but I know that through Christ, and His all-powerful Atonement, I CAN! I can overcome it. I can beat it. I can win! Because He has already won. He has already fought for us. For me. And He has won.
It is a daily effort, a daily, and even a moment-by-moment battle. A conscious decision to be present, recognize what thoughts and feelings are coming, and CHOOSE whether or not I will believe or focus on them.
Yes, perhaps these things could happen. Tragic and difficult things have happened in my past. They happen to other people. But letting these possibilities scare me robs me of the enjoyment of the precious present. For the present is all I truly have. The past is over and gone, and the future is unknown. The present is here. I make my choices in the present. Now is all I have to work with.
So this is my aim, this is what I am striving for to REMEMBER Him who made all things possible, who overcame every fear, doubt, sadness, pain, weakness, and to remember that He gave His will to the Father. He accepted graciously His Father's will. I'm not there yet, but I am on the road. There will be switchbacks and obstacles, but I will keep moving forward with His help. It is a matter of truly believing that what God has in store for me will be better that what I could hope for or even imagine (and I have a pretty powerful imagination :) I am working on trusting in Him.
Yes, there will be goodbyes. I don't know exactly when they will be, but they will come. I know that. But I also know that this life is just a time to prepare to meet God, to prepare for eternity. Yes, the goodbyes will hurt when they do come, but I will not let them hurt me now. And when they do come, the sting of death will be swallowed up in Christ.
Christ understood Mary and Martha's sorrow when their brother Lazarus died. And he raised him from the dead, but this was only temporary, for Lazarus' spirit was again separated from his body with mortal death which will come to us all. But Christ conquered that mortal death. He was the first to be resurrected eternally to a perfect body, never again to be separated. Because of Him we will all live again and be resurrected to a perfect body because we all chose to participate in Heavenly Father's plan to come here to this earth. And if we will choose now to believe in and follow His Son, Jesus Christ, we will never again be separated from our Heavenly parents, and we will be able to be with our loved ones forever in happiness because of His plans for us.
"Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?" (John 11:25-26)
Just as Christ asked Martha, He asks each of us, "Believest thou this?"
YES. I believe! I am thankful for a Savior who made it possible for goodbyes not to last forever, but to be only temporary. What great and glorious news that is! When I remember Him, and believe Him, I am not afraid. Because of Him, I can conquer all my fears.
1. Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven,
who loves you more than you can comprehend. As President Monson [has] said:
“That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy,
discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you
deserve [it]. It is simply always there.”4Never, ever doubt that, and never
harden your heart.
2. Faithfully pursue the
time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your
life.
3. Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being.
5. Take the sacrament every week, and hold
fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
6. Believe in miracles.I have seen so many of them
come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope
is never lost. If those miracles do not
come soon or fully or seemingly at all,
7. Remember the Savior’s own anguished example:if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in
happier days ahead.5
8. In preventing illness
whenever possible, watch for the stress
indicators in yourself and in others
you may be able to help. As with your automobile, be alertto rising
temperatures, excessive speed, or a tank low on fuel.
9. When you face “depletion
depression,” make the requisite
adjustments. Fatigue is the common
enemy of us all—so slow down, rest
up, replenish, and refill. Physicians promise us that if we do not take
time to be well, we most assuredly will take time later on to be ill.
10. If things continue to be debilitating, seek the advice of reputable people with certified training,
professional skills, and good values.Be honest with them about your history and your struggles. Prayerfully
and responsibly consider the counsel they give and the solutions they
prescribe.If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood
blessing and get the best medical care available. So too with emotional
disorders. Our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this
glorious dispensation.
11. If you are the one
afflicted or a caregiver to such, try
not to be overwhelmed with the size of your task.Don’t assume you can fix everything, but fix what you can.If those are only small victories, be
grateful for them and be patient.Dozens of times in
the scriptures, the Lord commands someone to “stand still” or “be still”—and
wait.6Patiently enduring some things is part of our mortal education.
It was hard to get all three of them to look the same way and smile :) But we did our best.
And we had fun doing it.
John was all "pictured out by the time we tried to get a family shot.
3-19-14
When I bend over to touch my toes and stretch, John will always come over, sucking on his two favorite fingers and give me a hug. He pats my face with his other hand, and it is one of the most endearing experiences I've had. I love it! I love cuddling with him! Sometimes when I'm laying down, he'll come and lay with me and cuddle. He is so sweet. I am thankful he will take a couple moments out of his business (and boy is he busy!) to give me some loves. What a blessing it is to be a mother!
Seth has sure had to shovel A LOT of snow this winter! We have a very long driveway, and Seth has really had a lot of good work outs with the piles and piles of snow he has heaped up next to that driveway.
John loves to watch his Papa shovel the snow from the 2 inches of window under the kitchen counter. He is so tall that he really has to duck not to hit his head going under the counter.
He watches for his Papa to come home there.
I sure love my two boys! I am one lucky gal!
3-23-14
John is really on the go now! He can run. He loves to dance. He loves music, and waves his arms whenever he hears music playing. He is good at telling me which songs he wants me to sing by doing the motions, and he can even sing "EIEIO" But usually he adds something like "EIEIObo" :)
While Jeena (Seth's mom) was visiting us, she helped me get my wheatgrass juice production going again, and we've been drinking it for the last week. Each day I've gotten John to drink a sip. You should see his face after he drinks it. It's hilarious! He starting to get wise of the smell and the color, so I've had to be pretty sneaky about changing the container each day, or getting him distracted. I know how good for him it is, and even if it's only a sip a day, he'll be used to it, and he'll get like a million nutrients in his wonderful little body to help him stay healthy. He loves to feel the grass and eat the wheat sprouts. He can say "Pasto" (grass) loud and clear.
John loves pine cones, and I learn so much from observing him. I learned a lesson from him this month that has truly changed my life and has shifted the way I see the things that I chose to do: Check it out HERE
He doesn't love to sit still these days, and is desperate to go outside! He loves it outside! He recognizes that word in English and Spanish, and often points at his coat and asks for his shoes. John is talking and talking. You can say a word sometimes only once and he can repeat it and remember what it means. Incredible! It is truly a miracle to watch him learn. He is so observant. He watches your mouth when you talk, and he loves to copy us. Since my lasik surgery, I've had to use a lot of eye drops, and John likes to try to do the same, but ends up jabbing himself in the eye to his dismay...
John is 100% curiosity, 0% fear... A dangerous combination that gets him looking like this more often than I would like:
We spend a lot of time looking out the window listening for and watching pajaros/birds "Palo" and squirrels/ardias "curl"/"ahdeea." John is in love with them. He calls to them very loudly as if they could really hear him and will come when he calls. The world is such an interesting place. John is helping me to enjoy that, and to see the beauty and wonder in a Robin digging for worms in our yard, in the swirling snowflakes (yes, there were snowflakes today...), in the trees and the grass.
Just look at that little cutie! I'm in love!
I've been meditating a lot lately. In one of the meditations I do, it starts out imagining a time when you were the most happy. I always automatically imagine times when Seth and I are chasing John around the floor getting ready to tickle him, and John is having the time of his life, and laughing as hard as he can. It is the most contagious, happy laugh I've ever heard. It is music to my ears, perhaps the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. How we love John. He brings so much sunshine to our lives. We are so happy to be parents together.
3-26-14
John calls himself "Yawn"
3-30-14
John is getting to be so clever. He knows that we only put his socks on for an outing, at naptime and bedtime. Last night after we got him dressed after his bath, he took his socks and went to hide them in the playroom in those hopes that no socks would mean no bedtime. Seth caught him in the act ;)
3-31-14 John has really been expanding his pallet lately. The other day I had chopped a bunch of raw onions preparing them to saute, John asked me for one so I gave it to him. I expected him to put it in his mouth make a face and spit it out. But he chewed it up well at it and ask for more and then he ate another big chunk. It was truly amazing! He's done it again a number of times! I am very grateful that John is willing to try so many new things that will help his body to be healthy. I am also surprised that he is eating raw mushrooms as well as raw onions and he has also been able to chew some raw cauliflower and even raw broccoli. Of course he loves all kinds of fruit. He loves blackberries and grapes this month, and he really is getting into strawberries and oranges as well now that he has more teeth.
He has also really been enjoying eating wheat sprouts. It seems like he can't get enough of those.
It is getting easier each day to get John to drink his wheatgrass juice. He just needs a good distraction, and he submits. he's drinking one and a half milliliters of straight juice now. I am sure that will boost his immune system .
When I watch John run around, and listen to all the words he knows, and see how fast he is learning, it is hard to believe that he was only crawling just a few months ago. My baby is growing up so fast. How we love and cherish our little angle!
I watched this video today about how The Atonement can Clean, Reclaim and Sanctify Our Lives. I don't think I'm digging up past things that I've done wrong as much as my subconscious is digging up or holding onto things that have happened to me in the past that have hurt. They hurt "real bad." But it's been a long time, and I need them not to hurt me anymore. I have pretty severe anxiety. I'm working through that with kind and loving people who I know God has guided me to.
I know God has helped and healed me many times from the very things that still scare and hurt me now. I know that I need to let them stay in the past, and I need to enjoy my life as it is now, and not be afraid that the past will repeat itself or that something even worse could happen. It's debilitating. As I talked out my deepest fears with my wonderful counselor this week, she taught me that these thoughts, these deepest fears that are haunting me are really physically and emotionally and mentally hurting myself as if these terrible things were actually happening to me because my brain doesn't know the difference! That was a revelation. And I think....I know she's right. It hurts me like it's actually happening. Our imaginations are very powerful, and I want to channel that very creative imagination of mine into things that feel great, not tragic or disastrous. So, I'm breaking-free! I'm starting right now! Will this be an instantaneous transformation? No. I know that, and I won't be disappointed if it takes a long time, or if I have to do it again and again. Life is about learning. It's about the journey. Want to come with me? Let's leave the past in the past, and break-free, live in the present. Enjoy the present, and while looking toward a bright future, focusing on the here and now.
http://www.pinchmeliving.com/
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I went to the pool to start my membership today. I'll still have a once a week PT appt. with my orthopedic therapist, but I can go to the pool on my own whenever I like now. It felt really good to push my limits in a good way. I did a 50 min. workout in the pool. I was able to do 10 min. straight water jogging this time I want to increase my time by at least a minute each time I go. I'm very thankful to be at this point, and that I'm learning in so many ways.
Seth's mom, Jeena, whom we call "Abuela," well, John calls her "Abwee" came to visit us for a week in March. She helped us when I had Lasik surgery. It was so kind of her to come. And it was just at our time of greatest need. She answered so many of our prayers. We are so thankful to have her as part of our life. She helped us get our wheatgrass growing again, and we really enjoyed sharing food ideas with each other. We had a really nice visit. Thank you so much for everything Abuela!
