I'm trying to muster the courage to face my fear of losing the ones that I love.... Ever since we lost our first baby, and then our second baby, I have struggled with this fear. I have been haunted with nightmares that bad things happen to the ones that I love, sometimes I am the one that does those bad things in my dreams. Thankfully I've learned recently that those dreams have nothing to do with who I am, or what I'm capable of. Those dreams are just my brain firing during restless sleep trying to process the stress and anxiety I am facing. Maybe it sounds silly to be afraid of those dreams, but they feel so real, and they represent my greatest fear.
Sometimes, when I say goodbye to Seth and John, when they go on an outing, I wonder, "Will this be the last time I see them in mortality?" My mind often plunges into a downward spiral, fortune telling nightmare of sorrow, and sadness. My loved ones - hurt. gone. lifeless. And me - alone. helpless. in despair. Other times, my mind goes into the same destructive imaginary future in which I am not there for my family. Something happens to me, and then my family has to carry on without me. I'm not there to help and comfort and love and cherish. They're alone. And then, what it they have to replace me? What if they do replace me? What if they forget me?
I know that it is not a good idea to think of these things. It's not logical. Fear is not logical unless it is really necessary to help you remove yourself from danger. But until recently, I didn't even truly understand that these thoughts were racing through my subconscious. My body's defense mechanism all these years has been to convert this emotional and mental pain into physical pain - to cover it up, to 'get my mind off of it.' It has worked. But now I know better what is happening to me.
It's a horrific paralyzing cycle of fear and pain and sorrow and grief and anxiety and stress. It goes on and on.It's not very enjoyable, to say the least. My excellent counselor is teaching me that when I allow my mind to go running down this painful road, my body is actually experiencing these hypothetical situations as if they were really happening to me. Why I am doing this to myself? Well, I've learned that
I am not my feelings.
I am not my fears.
I am not even my thoughts.
Just the fact that I have the ability to be conscious of those feelings, fears and thoughts, means that I am the soul that witnesses what is happening, and I have the power to stop them, to change them, to believe something better, happier, more hopeful.
Even though through my past experiences, I have been conditioned to react a certain way (like when I hear a story about a little child being injured or dying, a woman losing a baby, a father in a car accident, etc. I automatically imagine it happening to me, my family, my child, my husband), I can change that.
I am reminded of an excellent talk I heard recently by Donald L. Hallstrom in which he recounted a man who had let his life go to ruins. He said, "I have
a bad temper, and that’s just the way I am!”
That
statement stunned me that night and has haunted me ever since. Once this man
decided—once any of us conclude—“That’s just the way I am,” we give up our
ability to change. We might as well raise the white flag, put down our weapons,
concede the battle, and just surrender—any prospect of winning is lost. While
some of us may think that does not describe us, perhaps every one of us
demonstrates by at least one or two bad habits, “That’s just the way I am.”
Well,
we meet in this ...meeting because who we are is not who we can become.
We meet here tonight in the name of Jesus Christ. We meet with the confidence that
His Atonement gives every one of us—no matter our weaknesses, our frailties,
our addictions—the ability to change. We meet with the hope that our future, no
matter our history, can be better.
I will not choose to act like that man. I will not give up. I will not give in. I will not believe that "I am just a worrier, and anxious person." I will not label myself like that. That is not who I am. That is not who I choose to become. Yes, this anxiety has plagued me now for many years and is deeply ingrained. Perhaps it will take many more years to overcome it, but I know that through Christ, and His all-powerful Atonement, I CAN! I can overcome it. I can beat it. I can win! Because He has already won. He has already fought for us. For me. And He has won.
It is a daily effort, a daily, and even a moment-by-moment battle. A conscious decision to be present, recognize what thoughts and feelings are coming, and CHOOSE whether or not I will believe or focus on them.
Yes, perhaps these things could happen. Tragic and difficult things have happened in my past. They happen to other people. But letting these possibilities scare me robs me of the enjoyment of the precious present. For the present is all I truly have. The past is over and gone, and the future is unknown. The present is here. I make my choices in the present. Now is all I have to work with.
So this is my aim, this is what I am striving for to REMEMBER Him who made all things possible, who overcame every fear, doubt, sadness, pain, weakness, and to remember that He gave His will to the Father. He accepted graciously His Father's will. I'm not there yet, but I am on the road. There will be switchbacks and obstacles, but I will keep moving forward with His help. It is a matter of truly believing that what God has in store for me will be better that what I could hope for or even imagine (and I have a pretty powerful imagination :) I am working on trusting in Him.
Yes, there will be goodbyes. I don't know exactly when they will be, but they will come. I know that. But I also know that this life is just a time to prepare to meet God, to prepare for eternity. Yes, the goodbyes will hurt when they do come, but I will not let them hurt me now. And when they do come, the sting of death will be swallowed up in Christ.
Christ understood Mary and Martha's sorrow when their brother Lazarus died. And he raised him from the dead, but this was only temporary, for Lazarus' spirit was again separated from his body with mortal death which will come to us all. But Christ conquered that mortal death. He was the first to be resurrected eternally to a perfect body, never again to be separated. Because of Him we will all live again and be resurrected to a perfect body because we all chose to participate in Heavenly Father's plan to come here to this earth. And if we will choose now to believe in and follow His Son, Jesus Christ, we will never again be separated from our Heavenly parents, and we will be able to be with our loved ones forever in happiness because of His plans for us.
"Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?" (John 11:25-26)
Just as Christ asked Martha, He asks each of us, "Believest thou this?"
YES. I believe! I am thankful for a Savior who made it possible for goodbyes not to last forever, but to be only temporary. What great and glorious news that is! When I remember Him, and believe Him, I am not afraid. Because of Him, I can conquer all my fears.
Visit http://mrmn.org/1hXTkMp to find out more about what's possible #BecauseofHim.
No comments:
Post a Comment