Shame, guilt and remorse instantly followed this lapse of patience and love, and I thought about the times that I have been yelled at and how it never made me want to be better, act kinder, show more love. It made me feel afraid, angry, resentful, rebellious, hurt. Those times flashed before me (which have been very few but memorable) when someone has yelled at someone else in John's presence. It seemed so very inappropriate for someone to yell in front of such an innocent, pure being.
And I yelled at him. I suppose I could have done worse, and unfortunately I probably will in the future. I immediately hugged him, said I was so sorry, asked John's forgiveness and then prayed to the Lord for forgiveness and patience. I want to be better. I want to be the parent that will help John to learn to be kind and loving and patient and good.
I am reminded of the scripture that teaches that a great truth for all parents (or anyone) that your authority should be used "only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness
and meekness, and by love unfeigned;
By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge
the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile-
Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the
Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him
whom thou has reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;"
That is the kind of parent I want to be. I know that God cares about what I am doing and what I am learning. He is in the details of our lives, and He is all-knowing. Yesterday, I made our daily fruit smoothie, and I had an idea that I should put some in a bowl and freeze it.Then I wondered why on earth I would do that when it is -10 degrees outside. But I felt like I should, so I froze some in a bowl. Lo and behold, later in the day, John fell out of his car:
onto his face on the wood floor and bit open his lip. As he was bleeding on his shirt and crying a good cry, I thought, "What can I do? He won't let me put ice on it." And then, I remembered - the frozen smoothie (ice cream - we call it). As I spooned nutritious ice cream into John's swollen but pacified mouth, I said a little pray of thanks that God cared about my son's cut lip. It's truly a miracle that He cares about something so small. This experience reassures me that God loves us and wants to help me in my role as a parent, as a wife, as a daughter, whatever I am, He will help me.
I did better after my outburst, and during the millionth (that is an exaggeration, but I wasn't counting) tantrum in which John threw his head back and arched his back (which often results in him hitting the floor causing himself real pain... and a lot more ardent crying) I put him down in a safe place and walked away and sang a song.
I can understand that my little explorer is anxious and has cabin fever being cooped up in the house when it's freezing with 2 feet of snow outside. He's getting tired of his surroundings and wants a change of scenery. But, what can I do? After reading books, singing, counting, bath time, dancing to Raffi songs, eating snacks, playing with all our toys, I run out of ideas and start over. But really he just wants to go outside, eat some dirt, fall in the grass, pick up leaves and look at bugs. But all the bugs are dead right now...well I take that back. There were like 30 ants in our playroom today! What's up with that? Is there an ant hill in my house somewhere? Ants have no business being alive and in my house in January....
My friend Beth Winder has a toddler too, and we talked today about ways to teach these kids how to be gentle, patient and kind, and that tantrums are not a good way to show your emotions. I thought I might try doing time-outs in the pack-n-play, but then Seth said that if we travel, John will think that sleeping in there is a punishment.... I quickly ran out of ideas on how to reprove betimes with sharpness and afterwards show forth an increase of love to an 18 month old who can't even talk in 2 word sentences yet. (but he can sign 2 word sentences about wanting more food! :)
So, I call on anyone out there. HELP! Please give me your 2 cents. I know that you don't usually leave comments (but I so appreciate them when you do), but this time, will you make an exception? Maybe it could help me! Tell me your experiences, ideas, failures and successes with teaching toddlers discipline with love. And you could recommend any articles, books and scriptures to help us on our parenting way.
Thank you, thank you in advance!
Sounds to me like you're doing a lot better than the majority of us out there. I remember feeling offended once (my pride) when I only had one child and a more seasoned mother told me that when she was a young mom she thought she was a really good parent, and knew all the right techniques and ways to be patient and a perfect parent. I felt hurt thinking that maybe she didn't appreciate my effort as a mother to my one little jewel. But I realize now that her comment wasn't a judgment of me as a young mother. Every child that comes to us is completely different. All the techniques and things I did with my first child worked for her, but when the second one came along nothing that worked for the first child worked for the second. It was a humbling experience and quite frankly I lose it ALL the time. It can get discouraging when any amount of book smarts doesn't work, or when your parenting method fails to be a fix all for all the kids that come to your family. Luckily, you clearly have a beautiful desire to be an excellent and patient mother and although you won't always be perfect, Heavenly Father will judge you based on the desire of your heart and I have found that even when I yell dozens of times a day, the Lord helps compensate me, because of the desires of my heart. He also is teaching my children the principle of forgiveness. They are very forgiving little people. They somehow know that I love them tons and can see past many of my faults. I give them hugs and cuddles and try and spend time with them. I communicate my love in many ways. I am far from perfect or qualified to give you any advice on the matter. In fact I've been told by my six year old, "Can you please yell in a softer way, Mom?" Lucky for all of us that repentance and forgiveness is real. And as the Family Proclamation says, "Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness...." It's not easy being a parent. You're doing a fantastic job and an exhausting work. Forgive yourself and keep going, that's the best thing you can do.
ReplyDeleteAs far as things that have worked for us. I put my two year olds in a corner facing it standing up. It works for me, because there is always a corner wherever we go. And if they are misbehaving in a store, I can find a corner for them. I have to hold them there when they're young and they fight me on it, but now my 2 1/2 yr. old will stand there on his own. I also give my kids a yucky tasting essential oil that is healthy for them when they scream out of control. I usually try and match the consequence with the action. I've noticed it's kind of hard when they are younger to punish such cute people, but when I'm more firm when they are young, I ease up a lot when they get older. They rarely ever have to go to the corner anymore. I've heard and observed from others that trying to take it easy on kids when they're younger and then getting firmer with them as they get older is not effective. There is my two cents.
Oh and I usually do the corner short term when they are younger, but I try to let them out only after they stop crying. Sometimes I have to sneak them out during a long breath they take in between crying. I just try to let them know that they have to have good behavior in the corner to have the privilege of getting out. No talking or screaming. On the rare occasions that they get sent to the corner as they are older, I keep them in the corner for a longer period of time. They have to be good for the whole amount of time. Usually minutes equal to their age.
ReplyDeleteWhat has worked for our family may not work for yours. And I'm sure our parenting personalities are different, which is okay! Only Heavenly Father knows our children better than we do, so He's really the best one to ask for advice. Good luck. Just remember, I think you're amazing and doing a great job. You're a great example to me. I need to be more quick to apologize to my kids for my shortcomings. We're all working to be better each and every day.
ReplyDeleteBrittney, thank you so much for your support, ideas, and words of wisdom! That certainly helps :) And you are so right about them not being that cute when you're at the end of your rope. Sometimes I am tempted to videotape a tantrum so I can show people that he's not happy 100% of the time and that being John's mom isn't always a cake walk, and then when John is older I can show him and say, "See what you put me through?" But really, what would I be accomplishing if I did that? Vindication? Probably not. So I'll just record and post beautiful and happy pictures of my sometimes impish son so that I can remember how cute he really is and how much I love him :)
DeleteI agree, start young. It's hard, but you would be surprised. Our kids will stay sitting on the stair for their full minute. If not, we just keep putting them back! I also agree that every child and parent are different and what works for one doesn't work for all but children do crave boundaries. They want to know what the limits are, and they want you to teach them. It's hard when their 18 mos and look up at you in tears -- but you always hug them and love them when it's over. We also talk to them about why they are having a timeout. Johns a smart one, he will understand more than you think :)
ReplyDeleteI don't know a lot about parenting and usually feel frustrated everyday -- but that has helped me
ReplyDeleteThanks Angie! I appreciate your ideas. I think that stair time out might be a good idea (if we can get him not to hit his head on the wood stairs) to try since we don't want him climbing the stairs anyways. Maybe he won't like them if he knows they're for time outs :)
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